Thatcher's Funeral

Some people have commented upon the cost of Lady Thatcher's funeral.  The following script from 2008 showed some foresight.
Script

Part	Words / Actions
[directions]	[Margaret Thatcher sitting on stage; pulls hair spray from her handbag and sprays her hair.]
[F/X]	[Knock at the door]
Thatcher	Dennis! Dennis, do see who it is!
[F/X]	[More knocks at the door]
Thatcher	Oh yes, of course. Dennis was phased out. [shouts] Come in. We are at home.
[directions]	[Enter civil servant]
CS	Lady Thatcher? Good afternoon, your ladyship.
Thatcher	Yes, what do you want?
CS	I’m from the Cabinet Office. Gordon Brown sent me.
Thatcher	Brown? Isn’t he the one who wants to be prime minister but has no idea why? So unlike that dear Mr Blair... [mind wanders] How is Mr Blair?
CS	He resigned, your ladyship.
Thatcher	Then who’s running the country?
CS	Mr Brown is, your ladyship
Thatcher	Oh dear... Anyway, come to the point. What do you want?
CS	It’s rather a delicate matter, your ladyship…
Thatcher	Oh God! What’s Mark done now?
CS	It’s not Mark. It’s you, your ladyship.
Thatcher	They want me back? I knew the day would come! We are ready!
CS	Not quite, your ladyship. It’s about your funeral.

Thatcher	We are not dead and we have no intention of dying. The lady’s not for burning!
CS	The Prime Minister has asked me…
Thatcher	[interrupts] Ah dear, dear Tony, such a good disciple...
CS	Gordon Brown, your ladyship. He has asked me to prepare your State Funeral.
Thatcher	Yes, well I suppose we must do it properly. I expect a full display of our nation’s military prowess, culminating in the sinking of an Argentinian battleship.
CS	The Prime Minister feels that the country owes you a lot…
Thatcher	Does he really? He’s not as bad as I thought. You know, even a broken clock is right twice a day.
CS	The PM wants your funeral to reflect the great contribution you have made to our nation’s history.
Thatcher	Just rejoice, rejoice! We must have everyone there. Everyone except Ted Heath, of course... Oh I forgot. He was phased out.
CS	Heads of State will be invited.
Thatcher	That nice General Pinochet...
CS	I’m afraid he’s… been phased out too.
Thatcher	I don’t want that wet Etonian, Cameron. Tony will come of course. But not that dreadful wife; she’s a bit left wing. Tony can give the eulogy and bring his friend Mr Berlusconi.
CS	Mr Blair can also bring his friend Cliff Richard, who will sing an appropriate song…
Thatcher	‘Living Doll’?
CS	No, I was thinking more, ‘Power to all our friends’.
Thatcher	What about Ronald? He was so helpful in the Falklands. I promised to follow him to the end of the earth – and he offered to arrange it.
CS	So sorry. President Reagan has also been phased out. But all the leading members of society will be there.
Thatcher	There is no such thing as society! But I do want the band of the Grenadier Guards.
CS	There’s just one thing, your ladyship. Mr Brown wants your funeral to reflect your own values…
Thatcher	Well it could hardly reflect his. We don’t know what they are.

  

CS	…and therefore I am afraid that the Guards Band is unlikely…
Thatcher	Why not? The lady wants them and the lady’s not for turning!
CS	[Aside] Not even in the grave. [To Thatcher] I’m afraid the budget may not permit, although the Grenadier Guards might make the winning bid...
Thatcher	Bid?
CS	Yes, your ladyship. Bid.
Thatcher	But whatever for?
CS	Yes, your Ladyship. As a mark of respect, we will be putting the State Funeral out to Compulsory Competitive Tender.
[directions]	[lights out]

[ENDS]